I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
