I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
