My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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