I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
we should paint friendship bongs
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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