then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
barbara walters just said penis...
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
