I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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