I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
