just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
