I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
