Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
