You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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