I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
These tits shall not be calmed
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
