I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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