I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
