Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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