guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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