My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
