Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize