Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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