At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
