he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
