wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize