does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
