bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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