someone threw a dead crab at me
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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