my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
