I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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