One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
