I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
