I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
