There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
