His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
