Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
