Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
