We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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