I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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