So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize