You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
