and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
