i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Be still, my beating vagina.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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