Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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