On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
