Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
