false alarm. still invincible.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
