Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
