I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
