I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
