Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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