I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
