my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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