You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
