I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
