He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
