Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize