remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
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