Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
