i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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