You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize